Sherry's Thoughts

According to Albert Einstein, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." I've gone through four unsuccessful rounds of IVF, and now am waiting on the outcome of the fifth try. I barely remember an existence where I wasn't injecting myself with hormones or preparing my body to be "more" receptive to the injections between rounds or waiting for the results of the last egg retrieval, just to have to wait to find out the number of eggs successfully fertilized, followed by how many develop enough to be biopsied for genetic testing and then frozen until I get the results of those genetic tests.

And to add to the mental and emotional stress of waiting, hoping and managing expectations, there's the havoc inflicted on my emotional state on a chemical level - going through symptoms of pregnancy even though I know I'm not, wanting to cry all day and claw for any distraction that will grant some respite albeit fleeting.

I applaud the women who can go through ten rounds of IVF. I think of the Napolean Hill's "Three Feet from Gold" story about a man who gave up on finding gold only to learn that his successor struck gold just three feet from where he had stopped drilling. I recall the mantra, "If she can do it, I can do."

I have to wonder. . . Have I convinced myself to go down a path of insanity? Or am I embracing perseverance and grit?

I don't know if it was the pandemic, nearly losing my husband to unexplained internal bleeding, supporting friends and family who lost loved ones, paying out-of-pocket for three rounds of IVF (in vitro fertilization) with no success, or all of the above and then some, but something had to change.

This year has been about walking the walk for me. I have often spouted ideals about living life to its fullest and finding your own path instead of just following what society tells us is right and is good. However, when I'm being honest with myself, I've more or less been living life on hold - afraid to commit to something too long-term or to try something new with a real risk of failure. I've justified my inaction because it was easy. I allowed others to enable me with emotional support to remain still. When I worried that I needed to get off my lazy bum, they would say: Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. You've been through a lot.

I'm not saying those statements aren't valid. In fact, they remain true today as they ever have. But I'm learning it's my interpretation of those statements that will keep me on MY chosen path. In the past, I attributed those statements to justify taking the easier route, to only pursuing opportunities laid at my feet.

For 2021, I am choosing to take action, to take back the trajectory of my life. After much reflection, I decided to start practicing law again - this time on my terms - by opening up my own firm. It's been scary with so many frustrations already, but I am going to persevere. Why? To be kind to myself. Because I deserve it. Since I've been through a lot.

I never considered myself a coward, but evidence is clearly pointing in one direction. I guess I just needed to identify the things I avoided in order to not have to face the fear within. I used to think I was an open book, and I was so excited to start this blog – intending it to reveal my authentic self to anyone who wanted to get to know me. Almost three years later, I finally got around to writing (and posting) my first entry.

The catalyst to writing today? I read a book called, “Fail Fast, Fail Often: How Losing Can Help You Win,” by Ryan Babineaux and John D. Krumboltz. So many thoughts are running through my head right now, but I will endeavor to focus my point in sharing this book for this entry. It occurred to me the other day that I have been avoiding this blog because I feared being a failure. I feared that I would prove to myself that I was fake and so far from being authentic. I feared that while I say I like who I am, if I revealed my inner thoughts to others and then received negative comments, that my hard-fought self-acceptance would waiver and ultimately shatter.

You may wonder then why I even bother. My main reason is congruence. How can I say I know myself, I love myself, and I accept myself, and yet that confidence goes only so far as I can through a truck. I want to change that, and I’m only going to change that if I take the risk. I’ve got to start somewhere, right? So a little anonymous blog that no one knows about seems to be a great small step – and it only took me three years to take it.